A Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, As A Gift For My Wife
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted the following:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and… HOLY FREAKIN’ MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME… !!! All my half fried brain could imagine at the time was that, Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, then beat the shit out of me over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making strange meowing sounds I had never heard before, as she was clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my violent body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution that you need to be made very very aware of. There is NO SUCH THING AS A ONE SECOND BURST WHEN YOU ZAP YOURSELF!!!!! It is IMPOSSIBLE to let go of that damn thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would have been considered conservative by comparison! A minute or so later (actually I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace across the room. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh, left eye, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the massive drooling. Apparently I pissed myself and I had taken a major shit in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure. My sense of smell was all but gone, but I could still smell a slight odor of shit. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair or my ears, or both. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return! I just hope the cat didn’t eat them. We still can’t straighten out her fur.
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!. When she asks me to do anything, I don’t even think about it or ask why. I just spring to my feet and do it, and the cat bolts to a dark corner in the basement.